as i woke up today, everything’s a blur.
it feels like i’m awake but i’m really not. awfully quiet around here except for the radio playing at the other room but it feels empty. normally i’d enjoy being alone without any care… but lately it’s just depressing. so i’d probably invite friends over again tonight.
though i’m still lucky enough i have a lot of friends who help support me emotionally. ang swerte swerte ko, sobrang yaman ko sa kaibigan… sa sobrang yaman ko sa kaibigan halos araw araw din nila ko binibigyan ng sakit ng ulo sa kakatawa, kakaiyak sa mga kwento nilang ka-emuhan at winiwindang ako sa mga kasabawan na walang kapantay. hindi na din siguro talaga ako magtataka kung tatandang dalaga ako. wala man akong “special someone” palagi ko din naman ginugugol ang oras ko para sa mga taong malalapit sakin at pati na din dun sa mga taong inde ko masyado kakilala pero nangangailangan sakin..
a few years back i used to have this vision, like i was this weird old woman in a foreign land living alone and people would just keep coming to my house asking for help.. from simple things such as sharing my food to nourish their bodies, sharing advices that i just cant even do to myself, doing “readings” to satisfy their inquisitive minds and probably saying a few prayers and spells to ease their troubles away… and when the town no longer needs me i’d go travel to another place where my aid is needed… oo parang weirdong fairytale lang. what was that movie called? a yes, just like Nanny Mcphee — except i don’t have to really go to the “ugly-look-turn-into-goddess” part lol
as i sit here, i still feel like i’ve drank a bottle of gin although that was yesterday’s news since i had been drinking with friends last night. and yeah we’d probably drink again later so it will be today’s news as well hahaha! it does keep my mind from thinking about things that i dont want to think about but then after that.. gah, i’d actually cry myself silly when no one’s looking. pathetic? well maybe, at least i don’t really cry in front of my friends though. i rather not play the “poor me” part in front of the people i care about not because of pride, but because i don’t really want them to worry about me. i’m sure enough i can handle this well myself… after all, i’ve been to tons of breakups where i get to play the “poor me” part since they’d just leave because either they think i’m too nice and they can’t stand having to cheat on me or because they just chickened out because i always come in too strong for them ready to risk things because… that’s how i love.
ah well.. i don’t really know what’s wrong.. is there really something wrong with me? i wonder about that sometimes… why do people come and go in my life (and in such a short notice at times >_<)? maybe it’s just a part of what you call “living” ?