and yes i am guilty.
charges are the following:
1. had been constantly thinking of someone i am not meant to think about.
2. had been smoking at least one (1) stick of cigarette whenever i feel stressed.
3. HAD BEEN DRINKING TWO (2) bottles of liquor last night because of stress and because i’ve been depressed over something stupid.
4. had been skipping my usual AO sessions because of stress and because i’m too pre-occupied about unimportant stuff.
5. told someone something that i shouldn’t have had said so in the first place because i know everything’s over and i was hoping for something else.
6. over analyzing things beyond my control like i’m some sort of anal retentive bitch.
and yes i blamed most of it on stress and sadness when i have nothing to blame for but myself >_<
God forgive me, but it’s not like i’m living my life as a nun.. though yeah i at least made a promise to myself that i would try my very best not to go back to my bad habits. 😐
i had been weak — and i admit my weaknesses. how to cope up with stress and sadness is another thing. melancholy is my number one enemy. i admit i am often caught in my own web of pessimistic ideas. it’s my nature. how to manage it is another thing. (and something i need to learn more of >_>) i often end up having highs and lows — high on having control over myself and trying to coax myself out of depression by being busy or constantly having my mind pre-occupied by stupid ideas then after some time… BANG everything starts to explode, break down into the lowest of lows… oh god, the things i get myself into 😦 it’s tiring i guess i need to gradually get everything out of my system and stop feeling rushed… that’s it i guess. because i feel RUSHED to finish everything, to forget everything that has caused me so much pain. i am aware i don’t cope up easy at times but i had been rushing and it has created this vicious cycle of highs and lows. 😦
i need to learn how to let go… let go everything completely. i thought i already had, but it seems i was still holding on. i need to retrace my steps and set everything back in place slowly but surely. i dont want to rush things again, if i have to analyze every detail for me to understand why i must do all these things, i will. i am aware i had been given a higher responsibility, it’s not like i want to take it all up by myself. i know if i dont want it, i will be relieved of my post and it will be given to someone else. but still i want that post not out of prestige or anything stupid, because i had been doing it for the longest time and i am happy when i am able to help others because of it. and because i know everything i had been doing so far was part of a plan, i am not up to ruining that plan because of my own selfish desires.
from time to time, i am aware i may be tempted by the same things over and over again. how i yield to these temptations will be the biggest battle i’d ever have to face. dear creator help me!
“Each way i turn and though i always try to break the circle that has been placed around me.
From time to time i thought i lost some meaning, that was urgent to myself i do believe.
Oh, up, down, turn around; please don’t let me hit the ground. Tonight I think I’ll walk alone, find my soul as i go home…“