I’m tired of crying.
Be it something or for no reason at all.
I had been feeling depressed for days. And when i think i had shook it of by drowning myself with being around the friends whom i love, laughing and talking all day.. i still end up crying tons at night when i get home — and sometimes the crying pains get a lot more worse.
I had been tracing the reason for my sadness. Oh hell, i tried watching a lot of movies, T.V. series and anime to keep my mind out of the melancholia, but then again, i still end up crying when the sappy scenes come up 😐 wtf, i even cried on the first two episodes of Walking Dead Season 1!! I’m so pathetic 😦
I probably do know the reason for this, but denying myself of it. Trying to reject that idea. But that idea haunts me. The hole’s been digging deeper in my chest every time i try to push it away– as if it’s been eroding. A part of me wants to reject it, a part of me wants to dig deeper. I want to know answers, but i’m too afraid to ask.. Afraid to know that what i had been thinking of IS really true. Afraid that all along, i was living in a lie created to protect me from getting hurt but had instead left me dead and disconnected, though unconsciously, by the one trying to protect me. I rather hear the truth than being lied too.. I don’t know what hurts the most: Being straight out slapped with the ugly truth or being tied up in a rosy string of lies.
Still, I’m a stubborn lass: I still stick with it even though it hurts. I made a promise, I intend to keep it. I am willing to drop everything that has been unconsciously seething inside just to know the truth of what had really been going on. I am not a fan of “what if’s”, i loathe that statements, I had been lured and bruised by those lines too many times.. It’s time I try to save my self from having to
destroy. (And I don’t exactly know why I typed in “Destroy” but that’s a nice way of putting things i guess?)
This has to stop. Now. I’m tired!