Chapter 1 Part 1: Pahiwatig (Inkling)
It’s been a few years now since I’ve written anything in here about what has been happening on my spiritual journey. In the past 3 years, there had been so much experiences that i’ve literally lost count and lost sight of them from time to time because they’ve been occurring all too often thus taking away the wonder and the novelty of the experience.
But then again, yesterday I was “instructed” to write again. For what purpose, I don’t really know just yet. I was just told to write all of my experiences down.
It not really as easy as it’s supposed to be since I have to recall everything as detailed as possible and sometimes… I’m not really good at remembering details. -___-
I guess I need to do a recap first. I don’t even know who’s viewing or who’s going to view my posts in the future but I guess that doesn’t really matter much anymore. Maybe the Fates would handle whatever it is as long as I write what I needed to write. Right?
Let’s start with a little recent topic I had a week ago. My parents finally put up my most avoided question:
“Am I still Catholic?”
Given that I was born and raised as a Catholic, my family and relatives are very much devout themselves. But somehow, most of it didn’t ever made sense to me. There’s nothing much wrong with it, I guess. But then again, I never did like how things were set up like: God loves you but He’ll condemn you to hell fire if you do something that would displease Him. I just couldn’t understand why they’ll have to put so much guilt and shame on you if you somehow have different ideas and beliefs of things. I don’t like ever have to live with so much unnecessary guilt and people telling me how to live my life when they’re not even willing to listen or see how you want to live yours. It’s none of their business to begin with, IMHOP.
At first I just allowed myself to be strung along and see where it goes. But there’s always this niggling feeling that pulls at me, telling me that things are not what they seem. Ever since I was a kid, I was always fascinated with the unknown. I loved listening to urban tales about the undead/aswangs and tales about vengeful spirits that reside in abandoned homes. Back then, I never gave much thought that I’d probably take them seriously in my adult life and wouldn’t want much to do with them since they scared me so much as they keep me hung up with wanting to really experience them first hand.
After my near death experience during my teens (I had dengue fever on stage 3 which I miraculously survived), I started having experiences that do not fit the “Catholic Mold”. Things like communing with the dead, having my first out of the body experience, seeing nature spirits and alike, interpreting dreams for friends and I somehow learned how to give readings with cards. I started doing readings with ordinary playing cards until a friend gave me a tarot deck as a gift. Back then, I was basing some of the numerology vibrations along with the ordinary cards but somehow I know that there’s just this feeling or voice inside my head telling me what to say and how to say them. When I started with my tarot deck, the voice grew louder until I had learned to have “doubt-trust” issues with myself whenever I give readings. :))
Since I was in a charismatic group for teens back then, I’ve also been exposed to those “spiritual battle” stuff like having to exorcise demonic entities from afflicted friends during prayer sessions and having to sense these presence even before they attack. I was afraid and elated at the same time whenever I had these experiences and it also led me to question my own beliefs and what’s really on the other side. Is it all just black and white? Are the things that we cannot understand had to be labeled as something as simple as:
Back in high school and early college, I had this one high school classmate who always talked to me about how flawed the bible was and how things we’re messed up and how it had so much loop holes and stuff. He was even called a satanist by another friend of mine since she saw him reading Alister Crowely’s works :)) But he wasn’t really a satanist, I think? At that time I really couldn’t understand why he was talking to me about stuff but I guess somewhere along the line, it opened a door for me to explore other possibilities from the other side.
During my college years, I began to seek answers to my questions. I’ve developed another skilled called “automatic writing” which I still doubt if it’s really true or maybe I had a split personality kind of thing going on. :)) Then I came upon this book in my college library called “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch. The title is a bit misleading though since it doesn’t really talk about Jesus and bible stuff but a lot of other things NOT related to RELIGION and, what do you know? This guy wrote everything down through automatic writing! I was really wondering how it ended up being there because my school was ran by Benedictine monks :)) I read all three books and of course, my thirst for getting more information only deepened. I began having the same automatic writing experiences that the author had experienced and kept a journal of it whenever I’m being called to “write”. It’s this tingling sensation in your hand and the words just flow out as you write them down, not even thinking if everything ever made sense as you wrote them down on paper. All of these information come flowing in freely whenever I just quiet down and jot them down.
Then came weird dreams where I thought were real. I’ve kept a journal of these dreams for 4 years and I’ve noticed that these weird dreams mostly surfaced during the middle of the year. I felt that these dreams where memories from my past lives. There was one where I was in a pyramid and we were keeping scrolls down there for safe keeping. There was also one where I was a knight in search for a lost king to revive a dying city. And one where I was a sorceress who bade goodbye to her lover who was off to a war in which he may never come back from. And a lot more, actually. Some I’ve even written down in this blog years ago. My fascination with past lives grew and until one time I’ve even met a college professor of mine who was writing a book about past lives and tried to have a consultation with him if he could “read” through my past with the help of his spirit guides. Until now I’m still wondering about what he meant by “You didn’t really die in your last life, you just ‘passed’ on.” It could actually mean a lot of things like maybe going on into another life time as souls do or really not dying and really just moving from one body to another? LOL! I’m really not sure. There was another session with this said professor but I guess that will be written on another post.
My repertoire with the occult grew as time went by. My fear of being discovered by my family also grew along side it. But I told my dad a few tales of my adventures from time to time since he somehow keeps an open mind about these things but doesn’t really want to get involve in them. There was even one time that a friend of mine recommended me to do an interview for a TV show on channel 9 called “K na Tayo” in which their topic for discussion was about the “Inner Mind”. The segment for that show was also done along side Mr. Jaime Licauco’s insight about the topic. I actually didn’t want to go through with the interview but my friend insisted since she said they couldn’t get any “Psychic” to do an interview for them.
“Me, a psychic?” I couldn’t really believe i’d be labeled as such but there it was on television when they aired my interview. At that point in time, I never gave much thought about going deep into the occult since I felt it was nothing but a novelty for me. A few special “powers” to make me feel unique and special and somehow I felt kind of “untouchable” in a sense.
Was it really something special that only a few people could have? No, I guess not. It’s only a matter of heeding that voice inside you. Everybody has the power to tap into this Source of “Divine” Information. It is a part of us and it not something only the “chosen ones” have because there is no such thing as “chosen ones”, it’s only the people who are stubborn enough not to listen and continue feeling disconnected from themselves as they keep themselves separated from the Divine.
So much more to write but as of now, I guess I should stop since I need to collate and organize my thoughts. 🙂