L A D L A D : The Big Reveal
It’s been a month since I’ve moved away from home. I had no regrets leaving. I couldn’t really say it was an easy thing to do but it wasn’t hard either. Actually, my move was long overdue since I’ve been “told” that I should have moved away years ago. I guess back then I was just reluctant since my old programming was still getting the best of me. I was too afraid to leave because my head was plagued with fears of “What would my family say?”, “What would other people say?” I tried my best to understand first why I should be moving out in the first place before I regret that big decision for the rest of my life.
Being raised in a traditional Asian-Filipino setting, my parents used to tell me that the only time I would be moving out of the house will be because of either two things: one, because I’m getting married or two, because I need to work overseas or somewhere far from home. I never did like that idea since I find it stifling because I’ve already given up on the thought of getting married and I have no plans of settling overseas for work.
So why did I leave home? To be honest, I have a long list as to why I left. I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful bitch but as much as I tried to get along with my family, I wasn’t really happy.
When I started out discovering my inner self 5 years ago I thought I’d probably end up living like a nun. From Meditation to discovering Kundalini awakening and honing my “sixth sense”, I was unexpectedly plagued with instructions/insights from meditation of doing away with old habits, deprogramming myself from the things that no longer serve any purpose in my life. At first I didn’t understand why it had to be done, after all I thought having to drink and smoke occasionally was practically a normal thing to do especially during parties and having an “organized chaos” in my room wasn’t such a bad thing since I still know where to get my stuff amidst the clutter. Who would have thought that those simple nuances could do so much damage in one’s life?
It wasn’t easy, really. I cried over giving up a lot of things that I grew up doing at first but then somehow I understood why so letting go of these old habits wasn’t as painful as it was before. Deprogramming was another issue to tackle with but thankfully I had a little nudge of how to overcome issues as I progressed with having to meditate regularly and being sensitive to gentle “precognitive” nudges. Most of the time I had to battle with shadows of my past until I discovered that it’s actually better to understand those shadows and embrace them than to fight them off because we cannot reject that part of ourselves at all since that was how we came to be at this present moment.
I was then introduced to being sensitive to energy systems. Everything around us has energy. Even inanimate objects have energies formed by the thoughts and emotions of the living things and memories present around that object or even a location. We are made of energy and our bodies have energy systems (chakras) that govern how we react to the things around us all the time. It is a primal force that affects how living things and non living things interact with each other. Our thoughts and emotions are energies and when they are strong enough they manifest into our wills affecting how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive those outside ourselves. In the same way, when an object or a location accumulates so much memory like old churches who are a witness to the comings and goings of the locals’ turmoil during war, the people’s clamor for unanswered prayers and the blessings of peace during silent times could affect how people feel and react when they’re in that certain area. Even houses and homes hold the accumulated energy of its inhabitants that could either make their guests cringe or feel at home depending on what has been taking place and even affect how the inhabitants feel and think. What they say about Asian Medicine is really true though, what we feel and think affects our health. This is how I understood why de-cluttering and deprogramming was a necessary process in order to live a happy and healthier life. How I organize myself physically along with my immediate space reflects to how I organize my own life. When my room was full of clutter and disorganized, so too was my life. I had no set goals for the future because like my room, I can’t see where everything else was and nothing made sense. When my diet was filled with junk food and artificial flavorings so too was my attitude towards life and things around me. I was too sluggish that I’d rather just sit in front of the computer or the television and feed myself with the unnecessary drama of the world and just go along with everything whilst ditching reason and having to inculcate what everyone else was doing with my own values. Being with the wrong crowd with mediocre ideals, afraid of taking the next step to free ourselves of boredom and having to hate everything with what’s wrong with the rest of the world and not seeing that there’s something else out there that would make us feel that life’s more interesting and worth living other than trivial short lived goals and promises to ourselves. When I was put on that uncomfortable spot of shedding away all of these nuances that I finally understood that everything must be aligned: body, mind and spirit, one cannot be without the other. A holistic balance must be achieved from a sound, critical yet calm mind to a healthy and strong body to courageous and robust will.
One of the first and yet crucial thing that I had to shed out from my system was drama. I’ve always been a drama queen, having to cry and be hung up on a lot of stuff even the petty ones. I thrived on seeking attention with peers and telling them how sad my life was especially my love life. Pathetic, I know. Half of the world does it, why not join in? LOL seriously, it was hip to be dramatic especially in the Filipino context since that’s how everyone can relate to each other. Another thing I gave up was watching television thus eliminating all the hyped up drama innuendos out of my system plus limiting my dose of social media interaction whenever I get online and try to at least lookup on more constructive things to learn from and bide my time with. I was fortunate enough to be able to get them out of my system with ease. I’m not saying I’ve become frigid though, it’s just that most of the time it’s actually better to set the drama aside since unnecessary feelings cloud up our brains and then we tend to forgo critical reasoning in order to sort out issues with ourselves. Regrettably though, along with this I had to shed out half of my friends. No, I didn’t ditch them. They were actually critically “removed” from me in various ways from getting into unnecessary irrational-friendship-over-dramas where the other party just burst into hatred over whatever issues they have with me when I was just stating the facts (or so I thought, I’ve got witnesses to back me up on those occurrences and they’d also tell you that most of the drama were nothing but absurdities LOL) to just losing touch with them. It was a necessary but lonely step I had to take since being around them wasn’t helping me at all. I cannot keep on being in the company of people whose life values I do not emulate, it disrupts my energy and I fear that I’m not strong enough as of the moment not to fall back on my old habits and the values I’ve left behind. I love them, but as of the moment I was placed to be with people who would most likely inspire me to be a better version of who I was before. I still talk to them and try to catch up with them from time to time but I know our paths have already deviated and things aren’t really the same as they were. Coincidentally, when I was removed from these people, opportunities started to come in. A friend offered me a job as a research assistant, though I don’t think I had enough qualifications for the job, and eventually I even got hired at the Asian Institute of Management as a transcriber for their research group. I even got referrals from other people too. I could hardly believe it myself but I guess the saying is true: “Good things happen when we distance ourselves from the negative.”
As I was progressing with having to change myself from the inside, I was also instructed to change myself on the outside. No, it’s not really about being vain but it’s more of a health issue. Emerging into beauty was a side effect though, LOL J I had to work out often and eat healthier in order to progress further. I learned how to prepare and cook my meals properly that in the process I had become detested with eating out in fast food chains and restaurants since I’ve learned the value of being able to put all that loving effort in taking in a nourishing and nurturing meal. As a result, I lost weight, gained a lean body, the bloated feeling went away and the inflammations in my body were gone. Having a healthy body helped prepare me to incur more positive energies into my system thus helping me to achieve what I’m being set out to do or face a challenge head on. I realize that having a nourishing diet was crucial since it really does affect how I feel and think at any given moment so if I fill myself with junk, I’d feel miserable for the rest of the week and risk falling back to old habits as well.
Little did I know that everything that I’ve been doing so far was actually preparing me to come into terms with my inner persona which was something I imagined I’d probably be but never thought about it deeply since for a time, I thought it was just a phase in my teen years. And so one of the surprising things I have to accept was I was probably born to be a Witch and being one isn’t all the same with what you see on television. I’ve come to understand that the term “Witch” refers to a wise woman being in control of her own mind, body and spirit. He or she may implore the aid of forces, “beings” if you will as it is to some, both seen and unseen in order to better her/his situation but they do not regard them as forces to be scared of or forces to be worshipped because a Witch understands that these forces are archetypes of the energies they seek at that given place or time. It is about being in harmony with ourselves and with everything around us. We learn how to shift the balance of energies to let things work with us in synchronicity and when things are inevitable to happen despite everything, we learn to understand the “why” instead of resigning to a reason of fate. We learn the secrets of the world and use the knowledge to our caution. We embrace both the good and the bad because nothing can exist without the other, suppressing the bad only breeds much more insolence to our inner selves as well as to others. It is a way of life in which we see and feel the energies around us and being mindful of everything we think and do likewise we understand that all beings, magickal or not, must coexist and be regarded with respect. Also, I believe that the heart of being a true Witch lies in being a seeker of truth – the truth that no one can consider as false as it because it is our personal truth. It isn’t a “truth” passed down by tradition, faith, or “enlightened individuals” and “holy men” – it a truth that readily comes to us once we break free from the burgeoning conditioning of social structure and culture. It is the truth that does not chain us to prescribed dogma, but rather, sets us free.
I grew up with a Catholic background but never really felt that I fit in. In truth, even as a child my body would automatically shut down throughout the whole homily while hearing mass and it still rings true up to this day. :)) I do not find sermons uplifting but rather belittling of what the human mind can achieve whilst indoctrinating us that we are nothing more than sorry little worms and we need to be sorry of everything we do in our life because it displeases a higher being who can never be satisfied of who we are and yet he loves us. ⌐_⌐ I could never understand that irony at least for a time, I pretended I did but never really come into terms with that drama. And when I reached my teens, I used to try and practice Wicca since I was already looking for some alternative paths of spirituality. This longing or search also came about because of an incident where I got really sick and was close to death’s grip. That incident resulted in my questioning of currently held beliefs. Back then, it felt so alien to me since my first introduction to that path was to follow the Gardnerian and Alexandrian systems of Wicca. Nothing seemed to make so much sense since most of the text written about the Sabbaths and Esbats, concoctions, and gemstones were developed using a European concept and here I am living in the Philippines and things are different around the Southeast Asian region since we don’t have four seasons to deal with and half of the magickal recipes are inaccessible unless you order them online or go to specialty shops and pay hundreds of pesos :)) So I abandoned it and told myself that “Maybe I’m not cut out to be a Witch.”
And yet it haunted me. I never stopped exploring that possibility as I was “taught” by a higher power on how to decipher and understand dreams, how to understand the vibration of numbers until eventually one of my bestfriends gifted me with a tarot deck that honed my skills of insight and foresight. I was branded a psychic by most peers and was adamant about accepting it thinking that everybody is else is a psychic too if they want to be. Until one day, after much of the deprogramming has been dealt with in my life, I came across that path again with a certain somebody who I never second guessed would be into such things. Together, we helped each other discover other aspects such as our own spell works (and they do work, mind you 😉 ), finding energy sites, communicating with spirits from other realms, unexpectedly having a familiar chose us (I beautiful white adder came to me one night and chose me to be a companion), being gifted with a dragon companion by the unseen, discovering archetype energies, coming across other people who also practice the craft and many more. In a span of 2 years, my experiences were so rich that I thought I was living out of a fairytale since I’ve been dealing with a lot of forces unseen and things you would just normally see on television or the movies. I know I was not delusional nor was my friend because when we started to doubt, the answers would come up at us from reputable sources.
Despite all these, only a few people know about these musings. We remain solitary Witches and felt that there was no need for a coven to validate our experiences since each experience is unique from the other. I did not write down these things here for show or to gain approval but because I found it fitting and I was “instructed” to convey them despite my wanting to keep everything a secret from the majority. For what purpose, I don’t know. Only a few of my kin know of this as well but not my immediate family because I know they’ll never understand and would probably put me in an asylum. :)) Although, they do know that I could talk to the dead and that’s about it. Most of the time they just stare at me blankly when I try to tell them about these things so I don’t really know what goes on in their minds, either they’re afraid or don’t believe me, I really don’t know. I know they will never come to accept me for this since it goes against everything they believe in. These experiences helped me understand my own potentials as a person and coming into terms with the thought of “Everything has Magick… if only they know where to look.”
I know it was inevitable for my parents to find out about me not practicing my Catholic catechisms and one day, during a planned day out, my mom asked me if I was still Catholic. I outright told her that I wasn’t one anymore and that I know there’s something out there but it need not be labeled or worshipped as a god or deity. Of course it was disappointing for them and I couldn’t really care less because that moment was overdue to happen and I just had to face the inevitable. Though that was only the first step, I never told them about me being a solitary witch since I don’t know how they would take it. If they’re reading this now then, surprise, surprise. Still, I won’t be going back to what has passed because now I’ve discovered my personal truth.
So why did I leave? What was the big reveal? It is this: Who I am isn’t good enough to the family and for “show” and should be tucked away in the cupboard under the stairs “where it belongs”. It was the Lenten season, during Holy Week, when my dad told me to join the family for the “family tradition” of doing the Stations of the Cross. It was a practice that I’ve known since childhood. It wasn’t that a big deal then in the sense that we don’t make much of a production of it since it really is supposed to be a time for introspection and not for photo – op. The only difference now is that we had our relatives joining us. I told my dad that I will join them but since the practice doesn’t resonate with my beliefs I would just sit on the pews to quietly meditate and take in any life energy to replenish myself in the churches that we’d be going to. I made it clear that I will not be participating, and I did so respectfully. I had no intention of imposing my beliefs on them so I opted to sit while they went about doing their thing. I thought that it would be alright since we would still be a family going to an activity of introspection and inward contemplation. But I was disappointed with my dad’s take on this idea. He told me flat out that practicing my beliefs is just unacceptable and being who I really am in their presence and in the presence of our relatives (that he wanted to impress) is a sign of disrespect to them. And to add insult to injury, my dad offered a “compromise solution” where I could do my thing when nobody else was looking. That way, I wouldn’t be offensive to them – the friends and relatives that he wanted to impress. Also, I had to fake praying and doing the station of the cross while with them for the sake of show. I don’t know about you but it sounded more of a “compromised solution” to me. I take my belief system seriously. That is my value.
(It may sound petty to others but then again, everybody has witnessed how people go through great lengths defending and standing for what they believe in, resulting in most of the world wars, right?). I haven’t gone home since that incident. I’m already tired from years of having to set myself aside just to compromise. I’ve already been in a lot of compromised situations with my family and most of my close relatives and friends know about this. It was time I put my foot down on that and learned to say that enough was enough. Also, it has come to the point where home doesn’t feel like home anymore since it cannot nurture what I had been building up for myself in these past years. My energy system is no longer compatible with the people, the house and the value systems that they had been living with. Our house is actually a mess, full of accumulated junk that, godknows, I don’t really understand why they still hold on to them when they could just give them to the needy or sell them to a junk store. No one wants to use these at home anyway. Plus, these have been accumulating dirt and have been steadily breaking down through the years. If these had any residual value once they certainly do not have any left now. (Landfill anyone?) I won’t even start on the months old meat in the fridge starting to graze on the evolving, sprouting vegetation in the crisper section. All that eyesore clutter and wasted food don’t make a restful, healthy, nurturing place to stay in. I don’t feel nurtured physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually whenever I’m in that house and when I’m with my family. Throughout my life, I seldom feel that loving support parents give their children; they’d only give that to me under the condition that I do what they want me to do. When I entered college, I wasn’t allowed to take the course and school of choice that I wanted. Eventually, I lost the zeal to continue my studies and I dropped-out. When I wanted to make my life a little worthwhile after quitting school, I tried to apply for a job but my parents gave me the “long talk of disapproval” making me feel like I was just up to no good. Like, any good parent, I know they only wanted what was best for me but still, my mind and my heart’s telling me “That this is my life, let me live and discover things for myself. I’m not inept.” I ventured into a lot of micro-businesses and was either met with a nonchalant shrug from my dad or a running foul mouthed tirade of criticism from my mom (especially when we tried to run a BBQ stand – which made good money by the way. That episode was a nasty bit of business since while doing the daily chores of marketing cleaning, cooking, selling, and accounting, she’d always – try morning, noon, and night, 24/7 – let me know how displeased she was with what I was doing and yet, ironically, tried to tell the neighbors that they should definitely try out the food. O_o) At that time I was also taking care of my bedridden grandmother and personally decided to “humbly” take on that role for around six years which, unfortunately, also wasted away most of my work opportunities. I don’t regret taking care of her though since I’ve learned how to practice kindness to those who cannot do anything for you. But it does burn me up that while I try to start a microbusiness for myself and at the same time take on the duty of caregiving while the rest of the family could have their own free time I am still continuously branded a selfish person. The list could actually go on but I don’t want this to sound like a hate post since I just wanted to state out what I’ve been through. Don’t get me wrong though, I DO LOVE my family despite our differences but it really isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t know about the others out there but I can only take so much. (They can take my place if they want to. I’m more than willing to award them the coveted position.) I was going nowhere fast. I realized that in order to continue strengthening what I’ve been building around myself I eventually had to stay away from them. As much as they say they try to understand and respect me, they still make me come back to their ways and habits. I already know that they cannot understand my path since it’s not theirs to tread anyway, but what I find really disappointing is they are more afraid of getting disapproval from their peers than understanding and accepting me for who I am, their own daughter. I do not feel that I am welcome to be my true self so I find that there can be no other way than to free myself from all of this and learn to FINALLY take my own needs into accord first so I could take care of my health and sanity a lot better. I’m already in my 30s and I’m old enough to know what I should allow to continue in my life and discard the things that no longer serve. It’s time I live out who I really am: I am a being of Magick, a Witch, a Wise Woman, I am destined to be great and I’m not afraid to live my life as I see fit.
Oh, by the way. I am not seeking approval and acceptance from the moral majority. I do not want to buy my way into Heaven, I don’t believe in it anyway.