And here am I, again, doing what I’m supposed to be doing over a year ago.
I had doubts back then.. Just because i felt like I was being pushed around by someone else and going through “this” blindly in place of me trying to recover from last year’s heartache. Everything was fast and yet the bliss became a blur. Moments after, I began questioning myself: “Why am I doing this? WHY AM I REALLY DOING THIS?” Though I did not regret anything from that “process”, I decided to take a break from it all — i needed a solid reason, a reassurance that what I had been doing isn’t just me being pushed around by somebody because he told me “We are supposed to do this because
The Voices Deep Within ‘He’ told us to do so… let’s just go along with it.”
It has been roughly a year since I stopped going through the Ether. Though it has been breathtaking and life altering to experience the essence of “One-ness”, as i’ve said earlier, I had my doubts. I didn’t want it to feel like an escape just because I needed to let go from a previous relationship… It almost felt like that was the only reason why I was doing it — aside from the fact that it did improve my life in so many ways but then again, it became a routine and lost its essence when I finally got the courage to move on with my life. My information about “these things” was being spoon-fed by somebody else (through his own experiences) and so I began to lose interest because I had a preview of a “possible” outcome. Though he did have good intentions with trying to share his thoughts and experiences, my whole body was rejecting the idea. I don’t honestly know why, maybe it’s because of stubbornness? But then again, something inside me kept saying “That is not your path. You have your own.”
So here am I, again — though I still have no solid reason, this time I am going to discover things on my own, do things at my pace and i had decided to take another path to accomplish what I am supposed to do. Though this year I had also gone through another heartbreaking experience, one thing’s for sure, it maybe a trigger but it’s not the whole sole reason why I had decided to go through this again. I am going to go through this again because my ‘Inner self’ has been calling out to me — the need for me to fix myself before anything else is stronger now. I have to admit, it’s not easy but I believe I have all the resources within my reach to help me get through this — to remaster and fine tune myself yet again.
And so I had started with purging my own room, again, today. Surprisingly enough, though I don’t have much to throw away compared to last year, it could literally drain everything out of me: all the emotions and stress of trying to let go of things is quite a pain but then again I’m only done with half of my room, there’s another half to go through tomorrow. The most enervating part of today’s purge was The Jar. Unlike last year, i gathered all the memorabilia of my ex in a box and threw it on a river to be “washed” away, this time i really didn’t have the time to do so i ended up purging the contents of the jar by burning them on a small, makeshift, pyre I’ve set up on my table. Curious to know what’s inside? It’s filled up with little notes that I was supposed to give to that
special person if ever things went out well… tiny pieces of papers filled with lines from a song to describe what i feel, happy thoughts/ moments written on a whim and sad/painful feelings that i could not convey but wish i could without hesitation. Along with those notes, i was able to salvage one of the two movie tickets that we had watched together last year… I know that sounded cheesy, but that was the night i realized i was already falling for that person, thus making such a small token memorable. I unfolded and read every single note, ended up crying if it pained me to read then lit up every single piece of paper, watching them burn one by one in the small dish… ditching some alcohol in if it doesn’t burn up right. In the end, it was a good cry. It still hurts but I know I have to let it all go… For my sanity’s sake.
Tomorrow, I’ll be purging the right side of the room, again. Probably rearrange, ditch and clean a few more stuff on the “secret” compartment on the top bunk and maybe finally decide to post the stuff on ebay (FINALLY) and make a profit out of them. The garden was the first one to go — finally got a hold of that flower bed near the garage and planted some tomatoes and a few herbs, so i guess i’m doing things in reverse now, let’s see how things fair as the days go by.
I am well aware of my reluctance. I acknowledge that. But this time, I am determined to know the answers to my questions on my own by being attentive to everything that has been happening to me and to the things that will happen in the future to help me further my “self mastery” and to “do what I’m supposed to do”. I have nothing to blame but myself, and whatever happens, I only have myself to answer for my actions because this time, I will make sure that this is a choice I have decided to do on my own and not because somebody “suggested” me to do it.