Sign of the times.

by Klairewind

So where shall I start?

After all that has happened in the previous year, everything sort of went spiralling down…

It wasn’t really that bad but it all boils down to one thing: with all the accomplishments and glory, I had lost and forgotten myself. I got too caught up with the corporate setting trying to manage a team and making things work out for them but it turns out that it wasn’t working well with me. I worked too hard to the point where I literally hit the floor crying my eyes out in order to cope up with the stress since I wasn’t paying much attention to my overall well-being. Not to mention the company management was so misplaced which added up to the stress.

I did go to see a shrink after this incident last August. The doctor just confirmed that I had been suffering from working with idiots and I wasn’t crazy — it’s just that I know in my mind that everything I’ve been working on would just go to waste since voicing out my concerns would end up being thrown out the window but then…. my heart keeps telling me to push on for the sake of proving myself. But then, what’s the use? No point in pushing through when your body’s wasting away for a lost cause. Doctor made me realise that I just had to give it up and put my energies where it will be heard and/or valued.

So, yeah, I quit work — after a month of battling with my heart and my head since I couldn’t let it go that easily. I hated the fact that I just lost the game but needed to resign because I know when enough HAD TO BE ENOUGH. I gave in my two week’s notice and told the company that I had just suffered from anxiety and depression due to having to the high stress of my demanding work.

It wasn’t easy. I had to consult my oracles countless of times but they also said the same thing — I needed to quit work and focus on myself. I was scared shitless. It felt like I just had been robbed and stabbed in the gut and left to die on the sidewalk. My take on it wasn’t easy since it was my first corporate job and I felt like I just screwed everything. But at the same time I know that I had been neglecting a part of myself that I wasn’t able to fix from the time I left home. I needed to deconstruct myself yet again and process what had just happened from two years back.

I was and actually still am struggling from depressive moods from time to time but after I had finally served my last day at work, I felt relieved. At least a big thorn had finally been pulled out from my side.

Now what?

I started trying to get myself back into shape. It wasn’t easy since I kept spiralling back to my old habits after a few days. I was lost and I just didn’t know what to do. I was torn between trying to recover from burnout and thinking about what to do next since I was too scared to go penniless in a few more months since I wasn’t able to save up much because most of my savings were spent trying to recover whenever I get sick of work. My anxiety just crept in and there would actually be times where I would just stare at the wall and wail.

I know I had to start back from square one.

I was so uninspired. Even as I tried to make myself better it felt like it was just useless. It didn’t really helped much that my housemate even pointed out that I was reverting back to my old habits during my vulnerable state but I had to accept the reality of it all.

Out of desperation, I searched for a self-help vlog on YouTube for “What to do when you’re stuck in a rot?” 

Okay….. the results showed numerous of options but it wasn’t what I was looking for since I already know some of them by experience.

I refined my search keywords

“What to do when you’re stuck in a magickal rot?”

One of the entries piqued my interest.

Are you feeling spiritually disconnected?

(click on the link to watch the video)

“Initiate myself into magick.”

The words just stuck with me like glue.

I checked my moon calendar and it was a new moon. Perfect time to do some spell work.

It was about 9pm and I was lying in my bed trying to compose myself. I know what I was about to do was short of a formal ritual but then I just felt desperate and had to go with the flow. In my mind, I had cited my intention. In the quiet of my resolved heart, I asked the gods and goddesses to hear my conviction.

……..

The following days felt the same but then I was dreaming vividly again. Personal issues keep on popping up in my dreams and sometimes I end up waking with a start and a cold sweat. I was battling with myself. But amidst the chaos in the dream there would be an unknown but friendly face willing to save me every time.

Will have to write this entry on a separate post or rather begin a new journey on a new blog all together. Will update you all soonest.